I just want to …

I just want to scream. At the injustice. At the world. At the past. At the present. At the future. Nothing much in particular do I really wish to scream. No words, no sentences, no quotes from brilliant minds, no video game or movie references. Nothing.

Just pure, unadultered pain.

This feels like it’s going to be the death of me. Writing this out does help, somewhat, but it’s nothing more than a shaping of the knife that’s imbedded in my heart. Quit twisting the hilt. I think it’s pretty deep as it is. Are you trying to cut out a pony? Shit like that doesn’t happen in reality, honey.

Some of the pain stems from perceived injustice. Could you have no possible inkling what this feels like? How can you not see what you’re putting me through. I’m just tied up to a cross, and the crows of my imagined sins are pecking out my eyes. Apt, somewhat, since I can’t see. I can’t see how we got here, where we are, or where we can go. I look back, I see pain. I look here, I see a shitload, a wagonload, a bleeding tank of pain. I look ahead, and the future is hidden from me.

As it is hidden to everyone else.

I’m pretty sure the only reason I’m perceiving as I am, is because part of me, whilst being flooded with uncannily similar sensations emotionally as one would experience from a physical experience of identical description, is still hoping. Welcome to a Fool’s Heart. I’m hoping you can see me standing over here, across this river you seemed to have crossed on your own. I’m hoping you’d remember me, and stop piling on me the bondages of indifference, or throwing knives and sharp jibes from where you are. I am truly in pain. Truly. I may lie on occassion, but believe me you, I’m hurting bad.

That being said, I don’t really wanna be a bitch about this. I don’t. I still have some pride, but even that’s slowly disappearing as the days go by.

It really is the indifference that hurts so much. How could we have come from this, to THIS, in what seems to me to be a blink of an eye. The reasoning, the concept, the very idea ELUDES me. Hopefully, I will be enlightened.

I’m angry now. I am. But that’s only because of all this PAIN. Jeez, it feels like chilli padi water coursing through my veins. Feels like normal water, until it passes, and then it fucking burns the shit out of you. I really wish i could bury myself in work.

I really wish I could separate my mind from this, as easily as you seem to be able to, and dive into work and busy-busy-busy.

But I fucking can’t, unfortu-fucking-nately. No, I can’t. Sadly, the role of the Prime Minister in English Law, or even the doctrine of Judicial Precedence and all the accompanying arguments that come with that topic cannot distract me from this. Maybe it could, if i could just somehow crawl under the barb wire that my own mind has set to fence me in, but..

Barb wire.

And in my mind I’m essentially naked (and slowly dissolving. Let’s not forget).

Not exactly in my best interests to mix these two together.

HOWEVER, mentioning “best interests”. I’ve been a selfish bastard to you, no doubt. I have, I’m not going to deny it. But with that being said, what I’m doing now is absolutely not in my best interest, with regards to the present or the foreseeable future. No no no.. I’m delving into a mine of foolishness. Going against the better advice of my mind in favour of my heart.

Because I still believe.

I still believe, but I still need to say, all of this. This colourful, hateful portrait of words and imagery. Because this pain was never meant for mortals such as I.