Short

Ohhhh Nooooo.. I’ve become addicted to manga again. o.O”

Damn you onemanga.com. Damn you.

Today had a bad run. 27.25. Shit slow.

Tommorrow run again. Morning. Should be better. Praying it’s better.

Just try. Run.

Average.

I don’t have a picture of Kenneth and Roderick getting caked. 😛 Haha. Maybe Daniel has though. Try to get it from him and upload it.

Bored stiff.

Finished run and training in the morning. Tommorrow, 5km. Wednesday, 10km. But maybe i’ll take a leaf out of Eugene’s book and do it in two sets. 😛 Heh. Laziness setting in.

Denise.. told me a while back. That the worst way to forget something is to try to forget it. All this while.. All the training.. All the stupid, stupid senseless things i’ve done.. And i still cannot forget. It’s so… resilient. -.- Boy, i DO NOT need this.

I realised today, that whenever i’m at home, the guitar is not very far away. No. This is not a hint that my house is very small. I play the guitar more often than i realise. I can only wonder why i didn’t take to the piano with more enthusiasm when i was younger. Maybe i could be earning money teaching. o.O Ah well. The guitar seems more fun to me.

Boredom is reaching it’s peak soon.

Finally applied for NUS and NTU yesterday. Finally. Really fast. o.o

The Day Of Cake

Celebrated shoes’ Bday today at Macs. 🙂 Hahaha it was really wild.

HAPPY BDAY SHOES!! 😀

Hope you had a good time.

Yes. You got caked.

So did I.

And so did Dan.

And it’s all because of…

this person.

Tears Don’t Fall

I’ve been trying to find out what sort of emotion has been going through my system for the better part of the day.

I still haven’t figured it out.

It’s… Something of a cross between frustration, emptiness and loneliness. Very complicated. Very irritating it is too, when my default response to an unknown emotion is anger and aggression.

I’m not a very composed person.

The emptiness is born of a lack of purpose and goals. Boredom incarnate.

The frustration is because of a lack of human response. From others, as well as my own response to the training. I’ve failed so many training sessions.

Loneliness…. speaks for itself. Or it would, if it had a visible mouth.

I’m so… lacking.. in confidence. Most of the time. Even now. Now especially. Right now, i’m at the lowest point of self-esteem. Words and memories taunt me and haunt my present. I can’t climb up above it, so i wallow beneath.

Wonderful insight. Doesn’t do much to cheer me up though.

Tommorrow’s 10km run. Going to take it slow. Practice the form daniel suggested. And pray that running with eugene doesn’t pummel my confidence into the dust.

I could write a poem now. But it’d be about the usual stuff. And i don’t really feel like writing abut that. So no.

Empty. Empty. So used to feeling empty. But doesn’t mean i have to like it.

I could watch tv. No. Been in front of the screen for too long.

One day my sins are going to consume me.

The idea of energy in a social system, is fascinating. Not energy as science knows it. Energy that results in motivation, initiative, ripple effects in the social system. Etc. Energy. Energy that cannot be broken nor made. It’s source is hidden from us, but is linked to the system itself. A self-reliant, self-fuelled system.

Life.

We progress. But we hinder further progress by our efforts to progress.

I’m supposed to be smiling.

But i just can’t. Don’t have a reason to. Unless i made my own reasons. But that would be.. queer. Strange. Out of the ordinary.

I like that.

Taboo is another fascinating subject. Read the topic in the book jian and jez gave me. It is not mere transgression. The science behind it is… appalingly complicated. But that’s cool. More food for thought.

Don’t know what else to type about. Nothing happened. Sun shined. Rain fell. And falls, even now.

Wistfully Bored

It just rained. Which defeats the purpose of having a 10km run in the afternoon.

Poem Time.

——————————————————————————

Boggy, foggy, groggy.
Swiming in an ocean of i-know-not-what.
Borne down by seaweed soggy,
Tied tight round my ankles, they begin to cut.

Dragging deep, deep, deeper.
‘Til i become lost ‘neath depths immeasurable,
Swimming, floating; Wandering forever.
Consumed and melded into dense folds, sable.

I cannot see. I cannot hear.
My touch is met by the cold kiss of water.
But in me, my soul, there is no fear.
Only loss of what never was.

A veil is slipped past me.
Folding me in it’s sinuous grasp,
From which i cannot flee.
And with a final gasp,

I am diminished.

——————————————————————————–

Got a can of jolly shandy in front of me, replacing the usual beer. I’m wishing for ale, of course. But, no chance of getting any soon.

Wondering what to do for lunch. Boring day today. Contemplating whether i should go sports-climbing today. feeling very lethargic and bored. Playing Crazy Train on guitar 2000 times a day is not exactly very entertaining.

A Few Lines For Now.

Had a really tiring run this morning in school. A bad run. stopped 3-4 times. Sian. If i pushed harder at least for the first set of 5k, i’d be able to break my PB.

Sheesh.

Tommorrow is supposed to be 5km, fast. But i think i’m still going to go ahead with 10km. Just to train. Hopefully my legs don’t give way. Legs give way, is actually fine. As long as my mind doesn’t give up. I’m cool.

Thanks to rod, nicole, dorville and dan for running with me. And dan, i still don’t get what you mean about keeping body weight on my legs. o.O”

eugene. You’re the greatest peehole there ever was, but thanks for trying to make me stronger.

Right now, i’m partially reading a motivational article on Bob Timmons on runnersworld.com, blogging, taking a ‘What Kind Of Beer Are You’ quiz on facebook, as well as reflecting on certain areas of my life.

Tommorrow’s run. Is equal to more pain in my life. But it’s pain that i welcome. So i can forget about the other things that hurt.

Tough to Think.

Unbeknownst to me, the last post was my 170th. 😀

Mmmmm. BIG number ya?

I find myself waking up to a wet, rather dreary Sunday morning at 10am. Joel called me out for breakfast. Sian. Couldn’t go. Joined my family for lunch instead. Chose to do so ’cause i don’t often see my dad much except late late late at night. It’s so late, it’s already morning. Ha.

Anyway. I’m trying out this new treatment for my… love bites. Yes. From sandflies. Apparently, the fern known as Dragon Scales has medicinal properties!!! Yes. Unknown to the greater part of my social circle. 😛 Ha.

I’m kind of skeptical. But hell. Anything to get rid of ’em spots.

Spots.

Hahaha… Shoes is back on pills. 😛 Still have those videos of her consuming medication in school. Heh. The weird faces, copious amounts of water, and comical laughter shalt exist forever in the hidden recesses of my memory stick duo. 😛

And with luck, more shall visit. 😀

And moving on very quickly, i need to type out a consideration for something i realized in the car today.

The idea of surviving. Surviving or the compulsion to survive is one of the base instinctual objectives in the human psyche. This is amongst other drives such as pleasure, self-gratification, etc, etc. The purpose of surviving is unconnected, or at the very least, not-in-the-same-league-as, the idea of surviving.

However, with regards to thinking and higher thought, as well as the pursuit of knowledge, one must reconsider the idea of survival and the position of the bulk of society and where it stands today.

First off, we define survival. Due to the objectivity of the term, survival may refer to any of several forms. Such as the survival of the physical form, spirituality etc. In base form, we might consider survival to be an act of continuation.

Now to simplify the topic at hand, survival of the body/physical form VS the survival of higher thought of the mind.

Go figure. I’m going to give this idea more though now that i’ve essentially caught the essence of the topic in that sentence above.

The Black Mindless Mudhole, Burped

I’m looking through a whole list of Australian Universities. Not that i’m actually going. Just exploring more options for myself. Strangely, and pleasantly enough, the academic requirements are kind of decently low. Like, 2 Cs in A-levels or something like that.

But this is probably offset by the mysterious, and as yet unknown, cost of studying there.

Plus, i’m not actually sure what i want to study there. o.o There is really a lot to choose from, and i can’t actually see myself doing any of them.

Well, not that bad actually. There are some things that do interest me. Like philosophy for instance, or psychology. Even education. But doing any of these would just close down my career choices in the future. Sucks. The desire and innate compulsion to know and explore avenues of thought is pitifully restricted and damned by the physical requirement of the body’s need to survive in a society with set systems.

Hmm. Another wonderful example of disharmony between the mind and the body.

I feel like i’m losing control of my words. Yes. They have, very lately, become malignant and full of malice. I say things which have the grave potential to harm others feelings. I need to change myself. Becoming to inconsiderate, rude and… unpoised.

No more grace for me.

Training next week. Need to up it! I’m really damn slack! I MUST SUFFER MORE!

Tired and thus, writing in monotone.

Whew.

Had a stayover at Dan’s place. 🙂 Not bad, really good turnout! haha. Saw lester, kar jun, jun khiang, david.. Was really cool. LOL. Hardcore guitar-heroing! Wooo HOOO… i finally advanced to MEDIUM level. XD hahahaha.

Ate… not much actually. I never usually eat much at such places. Heh. Had a few random pieces of chicken and pork knuckle. Oh. And a lot of salad. No idea why. Was totally stuck on the cucumbers. Haha.

Played Kings (as usual). Hmm. Not really exciting. Guess everyone was too worn out from Guitar-Heroing and the foosball table. Ha. Oh yeah. They discovered left4dead. 😛 Heh. 2 hours over in order to overcome a single level. Goodness.

Good fun. Cycled back home in the morning. Enjoyed the cool morning air immensely. Worried for Dorville. Happy for the rest. Worried for Shoes. Hope she gets better soon.

Amnesia

I’m not really sure what to type here right now. ‘Cause so many things have happened between now and the last post. Guess i’ll just start with the basics.

Now:

Feeling tired out from the morning training. Which just goes to show how weak i’ve become. However, still looking foward to tommorrow’s training. Pain that doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger.

Just came back from town with Fan Zhi. Totally got cheated by BizTrading. Never going to work for them ever, again.

My EZ-link card is totally running out of money too quickly. Can’t fund my transport costs on my own as well, which makes it all the more frustrating.

Then:

Went to Marsiling with Hong Taa and Marcus to meet the XP-ers. Still got the same feelings of having been left behind. But it’s not a physical sense of being, ‘left behind’. Everyone’s seen something more, felt something more. And here i am, with the same experiences, same feelings of self-destruction and eternal despair.

Whatever it is, i’ve learned to deal with these emotions. They still exist. They’re just not as potent as they once were anymore. Largely thanks to the training of course.

The j-ones are learning. And so are the j-twos. Proud of both batches, especially the j-twos. 🙂 They’re really growing up and maturing.

And so. That’s all i have.