I am Alone.

The curtains drawn,
And diamond dust in the sky.
Ragged daylight roughly torn,
The wind like some distant lonely sigh.

Heavy fogs like sheep wool rolling,
Blanket lands of dark green gleaming.
The world in slumber coldly sleeping,
Beneath the full moon slowly paling.

The blood in the soil is calling loud to me,
Amidst the groans of rocks a-tumbling.
Clear my ears so i may hear the Earth’s suffering,
Free my eyes so i may see the blackened burning tree.

Let me go
In the cold night’s embrace.

Oh God it hurts so much.

I know you mean well.
But i can’t help but burn,
As you sit there and patiently tell
Your wretch’d son to grasp life and learn.

To grow up. To smile. To hope.
To be, and never stop being.
To rush up every hard edged slope,
Instead of silently fleeing.

But i can’t. I crumble. I break.
I die little deaths inside.
As i see you there; Tearfully looking at a freak,
And i, with no where to hide.

Nowhere to shy away
From the painful disappointment.
My lack, my invisibility;
And all those words i couldn’t say.

Empty-handed i come to you.
Feeling the hard headed fool.
No words, with nothing on my tongue,
My tears have nowhere to pool.

I love you Dad.

*kick* Ponder This

It’s not too bad in here. Quiet.

Just the way i like it. =)

Bwa is downstairs. Restless fellow. Keeps moving around. XD AND i found Kenneth’s PSP charger! 😀 WAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

24 hour FIFA wonder.

Can’t wait for tommorrow. Still haven’t bought any presents though. =/ Hope there’s enough time to get something. Damn. Having a bit of reservations though but… Going to bowl right through it. Brave every damn thing that the uncontrollable variables throw at me.

Going to sleep a lot, soon. All the way to dinner, past dinner, till 0730 tommorrow morning. Haha. Damn. still have to train the 2 replacement cadets. Damn.

What if our souls’ are made up of 2 parts, just like most of the world is? You know, positive and negative elements. Because, isn’t that what generates existence? Conflict and the resultant energy. Our soul, the source of our ‘character’ and the key to making choices not wholly affected by instinct. That, i think is the difference between animals and humans. We can make choices freed of the restraint of instinct, that is, we can choose not to survive.

But what if one half of our soul CHOOSES not to be a part of the whole anymore? Assuming both portions of our soul are capable and willing to make choices.

What happens then?

Just Get Over It.

Hmmm. It’s been a long time since i’ve used a map. XD Oh shit man. Potential hor lan factor. Hahaha. Maybe i should borrow a compass and pacer from Keong. Lol. Damn.

Right. Today. Sports Day cum Parent-Visiting Day. … Ok la. One of the better days in any course, Basic or Advanced. Pretty short, to the point. The objective of the day is to get home as soon as possible by making the programme short and sweet. Of course, it’s only short and sweet for the people involved in the foreground of the event la. What about the people in the background?

Let’s take a look.

Firstly… there’s the set-up. Nothing much here. Echo and Delta are the conducting ones. So. Nothing to do except sit outside at the smoking corner, point, and laugh. Sometimes, uncontrollably as they fail in attempts to make things run smooth.

Cruel we are.

Secondly. There’s the intermediate stage. Collecting and distributing of food to hungry cadets and parents. Interesting. I escorted about 4 or 5 parents to Juliet and Kilo company lines. … This was all in an attempt to do other forms of work. So. Military-civilian interaction. Right.

Thirdly, and lastly, the clean-up. I think the guardroom personnel did most of the work. Good. Cause i didn’t feel the clean up, if you know what i mean. Basically sat.. had lunch. And when i got up, wow. Where’d the trash go?

Book out. Go home. Mentally prepare for the sight of PLC on X’mas day. Heh.

Tired out though. The whole week was just… chiong chiong chiong. Almost as bad as field camp! So when the adrenaline dies down, your body just.. slowly disintegrates. Yeah.

Tired now. And there’s still duty tommorrow. =/

A little something something

There is no fear.
There is no anger.
There is only a strange void,
Swallowing everything here.

Like a mouse-trap
Amidst a nest of mice.
Snapping and consuming all.
Ending the little heists.

There isn’t even a squeak to signal
An uneventful end.

Is there no end to this hunger?
A raging inferno
Blowing across a field of rotted wheat.
Will nothing end this pirate’s plunder?

In the mean time there he goes.
Disturbing the peasants’ lives
As they tend to the manure.
A-banging wild-hair’d hoes.

His ship’s bow is black.
And so are his sails.
A blot on the land.
The horror within without lack.

The void that cannot stop feeding.

Pre-Xmas Assumptions

If i close my eyes, i can make everything disappear.

Yupp.

That’s when i realize i can still hear.

*inserts ear plugs*

Nothingness…. But i can still feel. Hmmm.

*Sits in a tub of ice*

Right. Nothingness. It’s a state of mind. More or less.

Just… calmly get it done. There’s no need to feel bad or on the verge of tears. Nope. No need at all. Not like this is the first time or anything. Can’t get any worse than this, can it? Can’t hurt more than this. Nope it can’t.

There’re always other places to run to, always.

Was talking to Dorville again last night (i think my phone bill is.. beyond saving this month. =.=). Hais. Can’t wait for her to come back. Maybe things will get a little bit better when she’s around. There’s really only so much work can take things off my mind.

Yeah. Going a little crazy again.

Work’s tiring. And that leaves very little strength to handle myself at night. I thought if i exhaust myself completely, i’d be tired enough not to do any thinking. XD

Wrong. Big ass mistake, that.

Always thinking. Same topic. Everyday. Everytime.

I drive myself crazy.

Future Prospects & Slight Regrets

I need a smoke.

Or maybe i don’t, but think i do.

I need to… fuck. I don’t even know what i WANT to do, let alone what i NEED to do.

Re-discovering Disturbed now. Intense metal band. Luv em. Good adrenaline pumpers. Heh. Imagine playing frisbee to Disturbed playing the background. The best descriptive word would be… INTENSE. Ramstein is another kick ass heart pumper.

Daniel might be interested in getting my old bike. Good. Can refund my parents. Which… struck me. I haven’t ridden in a while. Today had absolutely no time. Still got to book in later. Damn. =/ Really miss riding a lot.

Finally tried my hand at ODST in Funan today. XD DAMN!!! It’s good. Really good. Not MWF2 good, but… epic in it’s own little way. I like the need to play with stealth and tactic, as compared to the Halo 3 run-and-gun style. Adds a little bit more depth and style to an already classic line of titles.

Feel like catching Sherlock Holmes and Avatar. =) HAHAHA. who wants to go watch?

Shit man. This week’s duty is… going to be difficult. =.= Xmas duty. Than there’s Xmas weekend. Sonuva bitch. Sian man. I don’t even want to give any of my friends the duty, much less take it myself. Fark. Hope OC closes the office?

Hmph. Best not to hope.

Now looking at Curtin University’s website. Hmm. Ponder.

Ponder.

Pause.

Ponder.

Confusing shit. I don’t understand all the god-damned fee calculations. Eff.

Rahh. Searching for ACCA information too. cb. Another dead-end. I need Kenneth’s help. Seriously. Heard from someone that he’s doing ACCA too. It’s like…. each individual section of the website on S’pore ACCA is just… fucked up. =.=

Found my old SCT rank hiding in my field pack. =/ Dammit.

Recovery Phase

Dark dreams and foggy nightmares
Dissolve in the morning’s glare.
I check myself. How do i fare?
I check myself. Where now, are my cares?

I trip and fall out of bed.
Sprawl all over the floor; Hit my head.
But i still don’t feel a thing.
I feel like finding a song to sing.

That song echoes lonely in me.
A ghostly tribute of strings and
Wistful melodies. A parade to see.
Applaude the silent band.

This pick feels right in my palm.
Gliding over frets like teeth in the sun.
Over me drifts a brittle calm,
My heart in me, starts a beating run.

It all feels right again.

I woke up this morning, stumbled into the bathroom, nearly fell into the sink while brushing my teeth and half-drowned while washing my face.

And then i realized that i’m alive.

And that there’s a lot of things to live for. So why am i giving up now?

Yeah so.. I’m holding on while i can.

Again. Huh. When’ll you learn?

Why’re you always processing something? o.O Why’s there always something to process? EXACTLY what the hell causes this unnecessary lag?

this is part of the questioning i’ve been giving my laptop for a while now.

Wonderful. Loads of things to unsettle my mind now. Work. Mental Typhoons. Work. The future. And… oh yeah. This constant desire to slide something thin, metallic and sharp between my ribs. Do a little bit of damage. Hell. It can’t possibly hurt more than it hurts now, can it?

Right now just.. brimming with the negative. Really. Overflowing and shit. Feeling my worst. It hurts so bad. And that god damned song. Oh my fucking god i can’t believe i practiced that fucking song so hard. All the heart.

Nothing’s certain. But.. something’s there. Or not, if you get my bleeding drift.

I just need to deal with it. I just need to deal with it. Mentally and.. otherwise. I can do it. I know i can.

Shit. I’m stretched out now.

I can’t speak.
Silenced.
The song my soul sang,
Forcefully ended.

The sound of strings in the dark
Echoes in memory.
The melancholy leaves it’s mark
In an oubliette few flee.

I know no meaning,
I know no lies.
My eyes aren’t seeing
The midnight spies.

What I deemed Truth,
I now burn.
I’ve beaten out Love’s brittle Tooth,
And for that i am spurn’d.

In bitterness i curdle.
In loneliness i decay.
I’ve tripped over this last hurdle,
And now can only say,

That i would still have loved you anyway.

Flee Me

A raven woke me before the dawn.
A graceful fowl wearing Night’s raiment at my window.
Much perturbed, disturbed, my sanity torn,
I open the passage for it and Time to flow.

It pecked, it pulled.
Croaking curses; Making me feel well-fool’d,
Tearing, ripping at my fragile pride
Like decay’d carrion’s rotted hide.

I bled,
Beneath a barrage of beak and wing.
Screaming mouthless denials; I bled.
Dying ‘neath this hell-borne thing.

Three stops and a single stab.
Regret fills this bitter cup to overflowing.
Words jailed within me; The jailer cruel flaying,
A wound festering, refusing to scab.

The raven consumed all it would,
Taking every vestige of relief from mine soul.
Another croak’d curse upon me; The unwhole.
Out my window it flew, into the dawn,

Flying as fast as it could.