Cooking Pot

It’s 12.18am, 30th October. I should be studying still. But decided to take a break.

Will be doing a, hopefully, fully-timed GP paper with Jez later.

GP. Somehow is one of the few subjects i cannot perform in whilst trapped in a hypnogogic state.

Finally learnt to spell the word. Hynogogic.

Transistory stage from full bodily consciousness/awareness to full sleep.

A staging platform of dreams and waking hallucinations. A place of where the unreal and the real merge, the irrational and the rational. A place of chaos and madness. A discontuinity. A void.

Heaven, really.

Not going to school tommorrow. Reached a stage where studying there is a distraction. Love to be in the company of friends though. Love them the more for it. Their addictive though, like heroin. And crack. Pleasently so. The source of joy and inspiration.

Feeling ‘Love-y’ at this point in time.

Lets see what happens if i stay up until 5. I’ll have to fight for consciousness tommorrow then.

Nothing like a little obstacle to spice things up.

The Need to Feed

Now in school. Just finished Geog consultation with Chris Tay. Wasn’t so bad. Understood a lot more things.

Bored out of my skull. Was on the way out of the library when i decided to post.

Going to revise geog and read some lit.

Literature of the Occult.

Thats the book i borrowed.

Digestion time.

I’m Hungry.

Diversion

well. studying now.

finally finished the geog summaries.

finally.

now blogging from my psp.

hope it turns out alright.

bereft of hope. lit lesson tommorrow.

and i’m not going.

one demon that i haven’t put into bonds.

Rescue.

Looks like I’m back in control. I really prayed a lot and it helped.

So I’m back.

And all the rest of those undesirable bits of me are stuffed behind anonymous walls again.

Time is growing short. That period of testing approaches fast. And i am nowhere ready.

Really want to get out of it. But I’d hate to give up.

I hate giving up, for whatever reason.

Whatever it is.

Back From Hell

Is God there?

If you are, and you’re listening, i’m praying very hard to you now.

Please save me?

I’ve never asked for something so much in my short existence.

Just stop whatever is inside of me from coming out again.

I thought i shut it all away. I thought i was the Master of it all. But i’m not. I need you more than ever. Now. When the darkness is at my doorstep. Just a few more hours maybe. When the dawn comes. Maybe then my walls will fall.

And it starts all over again.

The time is 12.15 am, 23rd of October, 2008.

And i’ve got nothing to hold onto as i fall.

Looks like my demons broke free earlier than i ever expected. One of them’s got something to say. His name is Jealousy.

Jealousy:

Know what it’s like to be dumbed down? Know what it’s like to be stuck at the bottom? Know what it’s like to burn with a want, a need, a desire so bad you feel as if though you’d be reduced to ashes by the sheer fury of it all?

No you don’t.

Know what it’s like to be alone? All alone in a crowd? Cut off from everyone else even though their right there? Know what it’s like to want to love, but not being given the chance to? Know what it’s like to see love in your face, and your not a part of it? Know what it’s like to feel cold, so cold you’d almost freeze from it? And it’s 29 degrees outside.

No you don’t.

Know what it’s like to be left out? Know what it’s like to be shut out?

No. you don’t.

Because if you did,

I’d be saying all this inside your head.

Despondent in Speech

I’m going to die, and no one is going to understand a word i say.

And it doesn’t really matter.

So. 11 Days. Am i ready?

No.

Will i be?

That remains to be seen.

Did, however manage to get some serious work done today.

Proud. Kind of.

Hubris will destroy my efforts.

Splatter on the Sidewalk

Studying home again. Really boring and uninspiring.

Distracting too.

Was messaging Jez last night. We ended up having a timed RJ gp paper together. One of the toughest passages i’ve ever encountered. Unpleasent. We both finished with loads of mistakes. sorry for falling asleep Jez! Was really tired. Hope you do well for mock today.

Now taking a break. Watching a battle between Radikal Forze Crew and Definition Crew. Old video. At Zouk, when it was still open.

Really miss dancing.

Distractions.

Jez has a fever. Hope she gets better soon.

Missing frisbee.

Can’t be missing too many things. Otherwise i’ll be Amiss. And miss the As.

Good lord.

Two sides of a fractal curve.

I remember

Had my farewell last night.

Wish i could say a lot of things. Naturally got tongue-tied.

Slacking off. No work done. A’s are going to go down the drain.

Drilling. Sons of bitches. Couldn’t do it on a weekday could they. No. They couldn’t. Testing my patience.

Fuckshits.

Had a cry for help last night again. I pray you have the strength to continue on doing or pursuing what you think will make you happy. I’ve got your back.

And the drilling stops.

Tried to read Othello last night. Being slightly concussed due to Daniel’s amazing forehand, it didnt work out. Had this splitting headache. Couldn’t sleep properly. Skull still feels tender.

Wish i could say a lot of things.

Cancer’d Scoundrel

skipped the lit mock.

Didn’t feel like writing.

Lied a lot.

Feel low.

Cells in a social body.

But what happens when one of the cells doesn’t feel like doing what it’s told? What happens when it decides to break free of it’s natural bindings? What happens when it fails to fulfill natural expectations?

Well. Then.

You get cancer.

Or at least, society does.

Death is merely a change of state.

Reading Widely

Had Lit enrichment today. Fantastic experience. Totally brain-numbing. Still can’t feel my frontal lobe. Logic. Don’t know which lobe is supposed to be illogical.

Thinking of some new ideas. My biggest one yet. Hopefully i’ll be able to use it in the end. If not, I’ll have gained more knowledge anyway.

I really hope we all get into Uni. All of us. Or wherever it is we want to go to.

Yeah.

And more expeditions.

I’m feeling very despondent today. I don’t know why. Hope i don’t get relapses. Can’t afford them right now. Need to focus on whats really important. That may or may not include playing frisbee.

Jealousy. Rage. Cowardice. Malice. Selfishness. Immaturity.

My demons.

And i fight them everyday.

One day, i will lose.