Sometimes, i feel extremely unimportant.
Actually. Let me re-phrase that. ‘Cause i just had a more accurate understanding of what i’m feeling.
I am unimportant.
I’m not sure if i’m useless. Perhaps i do have a use. But it’s small. So small it’s barely identifiable. So.. Yes. I am unimportant. What i do. Is unimportant. What i feel. Is unimportant. What i say. Is unimportant. Basically, how my life stretches out within this space of time, is unimportant. I think, most people who read this, would probably think that i’m bitching about something. The people who are close to me, the ones that i love the most, would ‘know’ that i’m in one of my.. moods.
But i’m not.
I admit, some part of me is feeling very.. sour about this. Neglected.. Rejected.. Belittled.. The same list. Angry, sad, disappointed. Yeah. True. I won’t deny nor try to hide it. I do feel like shit.
But deeper down, much deeper down. Some part of me is actually happy about it. Because that part of me understands that having a small ‘impact’ on the figurative space around myself actually means a larger amount of freedom to maneuver. Since my actions, words, behaviour, character mean so little, i can actually be who i wish to be.
However. The inescapable irony of life interrupts my wild fantasies. My actions, etc etc, are only unimportant so long as i angle myself in the same direction as everyone else. The moment i break the pattern, i’m going to stand out like a sore thumb. Thats when i matter.
No doubt. This line of thought is extremely flawed. Even now, i can see in my mind all the cracks and shatterpoints that would totally destroy this delicate theory.
Not that i would really care. I mean very little to myself too.
This. All of this probably originates from a root fear in my psyche. A fear, of being rejected. I need to be wanted. Not desired, per se. That is not only wrong with regards to my subconscious programming, but… never mind. The thing is… I need to be accepted. For who i am. All the faults, and what little good points i possess. I’m not the perfect human being. In fact, i think i kind of slide towards the opposite end. But i still need acceptance, just like everyone else.
And more often than not, i don’t feel secure. And this makes me moody, trippy, angry.
Anger.
That one’s a programming fault in my head. Not really ’cause i’m a naturally angry person. It’s just that it’s the most easy emotion to respond with. Anything in me that i do not understand is met with anger, aggression. And this all evolves into intense hatred most usually directed at the self, for being able to handle the unnecessary display of emotional energy.
So. Whoever whom i’m close to. If any of you read this, i hope it gives you understanding into all the weird things i’ve done. I’m sorry for all the stupid mistakes, wrongs and screw-ups i’ve been responsible for ever since i knew any of you. All the lies. Half-truths. Deceptions. Rages. Transgressions.
I’m so a part of; And yet, so apart from. Nothing can save me.
*sigh* Gloomy. But not down, yet. Tonight is going to be hell.
Threw up blood again. Unexpectedly.
Poem. Titled “Tongue of Flame”.
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Oh little tongue of flame!
How thou brightly burns!
A gleam of light never wholly the same;
Delighting the eye in subtle twists and turns.
One moment glad’ly flick’ring;
The other dying dim.
Barely a sliver of light a-whispering,
Shadowing a life fast going limp.
Sometimes, thou burns me.
Turning skin an angry red.
But at others, thou soothes me,
Running thy bright paw past mine fever’d head.
Dost thou knowest how much is thy worth?
Thy weight in coins in an ice world of gold?
Thou could be the spark to some all-saving hearth,
Or p’rhaps a funeral pyre for the wretched old.
Oh little tongue of flame!
Though the winds of Time doth blow loud,
Let neither pain nor loss be the blow that tames.
Burn. Burn bright! Past all looming clouds.
The Raven's Craven Haven 