At 4 in the morning.

Encapsulated in a drunken capsule,
A stupor beyond all reasoning.
Feeling the twice-born fool,
Feeling for my own neck to wring.

Forsooth! I can feel mine own liver starting to fester!
The drink that pours down my throat burns with a malice
Wild and fiery; Entombing me with a fear
For my fragile peace.

And still i consume the liquid flames.
Drinking and sipping and chugging.
In the company of close friends and without.
For it incinerates the pain in my belly; It tames.

It fills the void.
It closes the wounds; Cauterizing.
Disinfecting.
Even if for but a while.

But in the morn,
With the east set aflame,
And the birds a-chirping in the trees,
The cycle starts over.

The pain born again.
A reminder.

My Dreamscape.

Interesting. I have been approved by MOE as a relief teacher.

XD Someone needs their glasses checked.

Had a very interesting dream at 855am today. Heh yes. I woke up, and went back to sleep, and the dream came upon me.

It was an odac gathering. I think it was in my home. I remember opening the door, and looking through the keyhole, i spied out chang yong and dorville. It was really weird. Everyone was there. I was sitting on a sofa (on that doesn’t exist. Electric blue mind you) with Jethro, Joel and HZ. Daniel was.. strangely carrying a large rice pot looking for water to cook the rice. Rod, Nicole and Shoes were in my kitchen… cooking.. something. Not sure what. I just recall telling them not to demolish my kitchen. 😛

Yeah. Mostly all i recall. Now. More will definitely spring up later on. But the best thing i remember was,

I was really, really happy.

Really happy

Strangely Clairvoyant of the Present

Today was.. pretty simple. Run. Talk. Play. Easy. Simple. Not much thinking involved. So i didn’t have any chance to look inside at all.

Good.

Jez thinks i’m insane (Well, i prompted her so… ), but, i’m not. Really. XD ahahah. Joker quotation. I’m just.. Very different.

Speaking of which, i had a conversation with CY last nite. She’s being ostracised in class ’cause she doesn’t think, speak and act the same way as her classmates. And she’s starting to feel the pain.

I told her my usual bullshit about difference being a gift and what not. Yeah. The usual bullshit. The price for individuality is loneliness. A seperation from the body. Rebel cell.

Hell. Terrorists if you will.

Anyway, she’s just very affected by the pain of it. She needs to find a way to survive. I don’t have the answers anymore. I can just offer support and a listening ear.

Thats all i’m really good for anymore.

Her body is also taking a real beating from training. Jeez.

Eugene lim. Planche pushups. … Wish i could slap him. But he’s so damn far away. xD ahaha. Him, his leg, and what remains of his brain. Didn’t have much to begin with. Ah well. He’s determined, i’ll give him that.

Had my run today. Yes. Good and bad. Good. I covered it well. Bad. I wanted to give up 4 times. Had to push. Again, there’s good and bad in it. Pish.

Not much else to say. Played L4D again. With FZ. Got literally swarmed and pwned.

Going to prep dinner now. Maybe i’ll have more to say after that.

——————————————————————

Had dinner. Finally finished watching Surf’s Up. Mmmmm. Good show. Finally managed to watch the whole thing. Caught a bit of it online (poor poor poor quality, and… it kinda hung on me and wouldn’t budge after that).

Anyhow. Joel msged. He’s coming by tommorrow. Awesome. Can have a good session. Finally. Heh. Better load my phone with beats before i sleep tonight. Maybe can meet HZ for breakfast or something. Haven’t seen him in ages.

Yes. I miss him.

No. Rod. Don’t start smiling. Don’t get your hopes up.

Talking to CY now. Again. She has my problems! Oh God. Strange karma this.

Dorville should take a look at this.. uncanny semblance.

And all of a sudden, loneliness bites me in the behind.

Fuck.

As The Night Folds Itself Into Quarters…

Second post. Same day.

I seriously do not see any problem in doing this. Honestly. But the social view would see it as testimony to my extreme and utter boredom.

But how the heck can i possibly be bored when so many interesting things are going on? Jeez. Emotional tumults. Spiritual breakdowns.

Random rashes. Filthy aquariums. Testy terapins.

Questionable faiths. Failing senses. Peeling toe-nails.

Silent conversations. One-man jogging trips. Planche pushups.

Random dancing. Silent ponderings. Interesting reunions (and the lack of them).

More silent ponderings. Chafing insults.

And… drowsy semi-drunkeness. I curse my inability to fully hold my liquour. Lousy.

Anyhoo…

BACK TO MY FAVOURITE TOPIC!

Self-analysis.

Boy, it’s empty in here.

Moving on.

To nothingness.

Smack into the void.

And a good run tommorrow.

2 Days Long.

Up above in the sky, azurite blue.
Misted with the wild shout of sea-spray.
Loud, raucous gulls scream rude prayers
Of some sudden bounty to feast upon,
And it’s lack to rue.

Grey waters smash against puckered rocks,
Crying out in unison; Singing a song of being.
Peeling worn granite to the bone,
With every syllable that they fling.
Some tapestry of mysterious design steadily sown.

And out in the distant open,
Out within a giant grey carpet gently swaying,
A slow song gently playing.
Soothing, moaning, braying.
Reverberating ‘neath the soul; Trembling.

A silent whale-song singing.

—————————————————————–

It took me 2 days to write this out. I have no idea why.

A had a stray thought of the ocean and this poem assailed me. I was drowned in memories of a distant sea.

I never had a good relationship with the ocean.

But it has always fascinated me. One of the physical subliminal images of our world.

Fate

Looking down from the highest plateau,
With the West wind at my back,
And the sun on my neck.
Despite the lack of eagles’ wings,
I feel free.

Unfettered, unrestrained.
Free of any form of bondage.
Seen or unseen,
I fly, standing.
Soaring high beyond the sight of Man.

Drifting and dipping amongst the clouds,
Wishing you were here with me too.
Every whisper in the air rings with your voice,
Like a clear bell calling from the darkness.
A searing light of memory’s prayer.

How do i still fly?
While lacking you by my side?
Your wing touching mine.
Completion, wholeness.
A fullness of being.

And thus whilst i soar on,
I do so upon Time’s sufferance.
Unwhole. Blemished.
A shadow-hawk, fleet against the sky,
And yet a child of God.

And in him i might find respite and welcome.

—————————————————————-

Tahlmorra lujhalla mei wiccan, cheysu

Tha fate of a man rests always in the palm of the Gods.

Such an all-encompassing statement. Both fulfilling and damning at the same time. Filled with a purpose that frees and chains at the same time.

There’s always a reason for everything that happens. Our only reason for living is to find the lesson in the good and the bad, and to learn it well.

Ja’hai

Accept.

Sometimes, it’s so hard to swallow the medicine at hand, even though you know it’s good for you. Mr Lim would say that being able to do so would make you a much better person. In fact, it’s the mark OF an accomplished person. A person who has learned much of life.

But whoever said it was going to be easy?

It’s sometimes hard to look in the mirror and accept the man staring back. His color, his face, his race. Him. You. Knowing, that you are apart and yet, a part of him. He is you, and you are him. A bridge between the physical and the spiritual. A union of being.

Sul’harai

Union. Melding. Merging.

And yet. I’m still lacking. Unwhole.

A blemish in life. A shadow.

I bleed a wound you cannot see, and i cannot heal.

And one day, i will die.

Ru’ Shalla’tu

Fizzle Snap Pop

I feel like just picking something up and burning it. …

hmm.

Unshattered Panes

Sick. Flu.

Kept sneezing while hiking. Very irritating. Almost consumed with sickness and almost felt like couldn’t complete. Weak. But did it. Not enuf weight. But also nearly couldn’t take the weight i was already packing. Weak.

Pain is pretty good right about now.

But i’m not feeling it. Just feeling angry, sad (2 emotions that ODACers seem to be very prone to), and weak.

Futility of my actions on my life.

I was telling Rod and Nicole something about my refusing to take on the camp job. That it is not in me to force myself into a state of highdom or enforced happiness for sake of money. Whoops. Sorry. It’s just not in me to do that.

I think i can kill someone. But not that.

I can totally feel it. I’m sinking slowly into another hellhole of depression, self-deprecation, morbid humor, and possible self-mutilation.

Do i really hate myself that much? I’m not sure. My whole life has been centered around my well-being and continued existence. Perhaps thats the wrong way to do things. Perhaps i hate myself because my primary objective is clearly, fucked up.

But how to change things?

My parents have always induced in me the need to care for yourself at all times, never mind about others. I always had a problem with this. But in the end it seemed to find it’s place in my life. A place that shouldn’t be. Things have gone seriously wrong. This disgusting narcisstic love.

I don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve to be cared for. I don’t deserve to have what i have. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve to live.

But i have them all. What am i going to do?

Donna scared me with her MSN nickname. I thought she started slashing herself. And as i interrogated her, i wondered. Who am i to ask? Who am i to speak? The scars on my forearm haven’t faded, and never will. Stark-white flesh, corpse-like against my living skin. Testimony to my desperation. Testimony to my weakness. Proof of my stupidity.

I hate myself even more.

I’m not going to be able to break out of this anytime soon.

God, i feel so alone. So unwanted.

I wish it would end.

Thinking back.

Heh. Jun Khiang uploaded this photo a little while back on Facebook. … I have no idea what to say really.

You should’ve seen the other one. XD I was giving the camera the finger. lol. Pretty… brusque.

I wish i could have more memories like these.

Went to see the CNY performance in CJC yesterday after frisbee. Yan Ru was damn cute. Kept waving at him. Heh. Apart from my… lovable J-2s, the performance got me thinking. Mr Lim flashed a few photos of previous batches, including X. And it really got me thinking.

And doubting.

I’m not the odacer i should be. Everyone has grown and matured. As usual i’ve been left behind. Always at the rear. Alone at the end. In the end. stupid. My fault.

For Today

Caught up in the wind of the moment,
Trapped in wild gusts a-blowing.
Speechless, strangely devoid of lament.
A smile plays across my lips; I’m smiling.

Peace such as i have never before known,
Silent gentle, lovingly soft.
A thing that can never be owned,
But felt by chance and propelled aloft.

The scales have dipped left; And right.
But for now they be in balance.
Balance, without conflict or fight.
Without blood or Spartans’ phalynx.