Few more minutes. Then i go back in. Shit. Forgot to buy a new key lock for my wardrobe.
Very nice. Relaxed packing. Remembered exactly what i need (minus the damn lock la). Going to survive this. Positive. I want to say sorry to Han Sheng and a few people later. For my bad attitude. Joshua too.
Time to go.
Back from first week in SISPEC.
I will get through. I will. There is no issue here.
I… don’t know what to do. Simply. Really.
There’s no one i can turn to anymore. Dorville is gone. Rod.. yeah. OCS is a hell hole. And i can’t even speak about my problems to anyone anymore. I don’t know why. I don’t think i’ve grown stronger. I think….
I think i’ve grown weaker.
I can’t speak out anymore. =(
I’m fading again.
Why?
I don’t feel anything.
My heart hurts sometimes.
I…. Don’t feel anymore.
And sometimes, it just makes me want to cry.
I don’t think it’s embarrassing for guys to cry. I don’t think weakness is a problem. Weakness. The strong cannot be without the weak. You are only strong because i am weak.
I’m just laying myself in a river of invisible threads, just letting it flow. And i’m flowing alongside it. I’ve let go.
I realised i haven’t prayed in a long time.
Maybe i should try, again.
I miss God.
This is part 2 of pre-SISPEC bitch session.
No, i’m not bitching about sispec. Why should i? I want to be in there….
The bitch session begins… NOW.
I like peanut butter.
The news about my granduncle is… extremely worrying. I’ve always felt close to him, even though we live so far away. He’s in ICU now. =/
Just watched a scene from Band Of Brothers. One of the privates’ was kind of breaking down everytime there was a firefight, so the lieutenant said to him…
“You’re hiding ’cause you think there’s still hope. When you realise that there isn’t hope, and that you’re a walking dead man, you’ll function like how a soldier is supposed to function. Without hesitation, without remorse.”
War. Both dehumanises Man as well as empowering Man with value. Deaths, countless casualties, some intended, most unintended. The scattered corpses of soldiers from both sides, rotting in the sunny countryside, food for the carrion fowl.
And yet, each man symbolises a belief. They symbolise something intangible. They represent the very core of Man.
Higher thought. How interesting is it that such a thing like higher thought can be associated with something like senseless massacres that exceeds the very definition of murder.
The time now is 2152 hours. I’m counting the minutes.
Federer is looking set to win Wimbledon again. HA. I really hope he does. I was mighty shocked when he lost to Nadal those few years ago.
Want to read manga.
Shoes. 🙂 Friends forever. GGGBF. 😀 Good Gracious Great Balls on Fire.
Memories. Even the smallest things count. Everything matters. And the portrait it weaves is even more beautiful than a thousand risings of the sun. 🙂
The photos on my blog are getting happier. 🙂
And i’m getting happy just glancing at them. :))
Just finished packing. Still freaking messy though. Kinda just rough-chucked everything (EVERYTHING) into duffel and field pack. … I don’t like it like that but.. No time to go through slowly. I’m easily stressed. Alvin’s right, my stress management skills are nil. … o.o
Sleep will make things better.
Tommorrow i think i’ll wake up at 6. Get myself ready. Worried still. Seeing new people, new environment, new commanders. So many things. But i think things will work out.
Really can’t get enough of my friends. They’re like a drug. A HAPPY drug. lol. Getting me really high with just the memory of them.
Not really sure. But i’m very worked up inside. =/ Feeling all… tangled up and confused, and breathing is difficult.
There goes my last day of block leave. From here on out, it’s back into the old mode.
I love this photo.
Last day of block leave.
… o.O” I still haven’t packed all my stuff. Heh. Shit. All in a mess. Helmet still hasn’t been properly equipped. Sheesh.
Still need to buy things from army market. …
Sian.
Watching Stardust on HBO right now. 🙂 I like this show. Call me fruity but.. i like nice romantic movies. Yeah. Adding a little bit (not for this show anyway) of the fantasy element to it ain’t such a bad thing. 🙂
Hope i can see the rest for lunch later. =/ Really want to see them a last time before i go back into camp. …. Today very rush. …
Last part of the movie now. Nice.
The peak of an event is most desired. It gives the most reward, be it physically or otherwise. But one should remember, that the peak is almost always found near the End. =/
The End. What good does the end bring.
Whatever good you bring to it. 😀
Watching Ip Man right now. =/ Damn it. It should have been filmed in cantonese!! Watching the cantonese version right now, but because it’s been filmed in chinese, the characters mouths all move weirdly.
Just came back from dinner with Mr Lim and a few of the others. 🙂 It’s good to see Mr Lim again, after quite a while. He looks healthy. But from his speech and looks for those few hours alone, i can’t discern if he is really ok. Hope things are going well with him. I sense something though. Something i can’t really describe. Like… A thickness of the soul. A.. callous spot, like something you’d find on the sole of your foot. A thick growth. Something like that. I know it sounds weird but… yeah.
I’ve realised that i’ve understood the lesson of humility wrongly. All along i’ve always mistook it for a purposeful lowering of the soul. Allowing others to belittle your existence, to suffer in silence.
I was wrong.
Humility is a behaviour, born of a perspective. It comes to you when you are able to see the good in all man. When you are able to see that all men are equal, regardless of ability or physical appearence. When you understand this, you realise your place in life. However, this understanding should not be allowed to drown out one’s sense of… oneness, or uniquity. Despite being the same, we are all also different. This difference, likewise, should not birth unnecessary pride and contempt for others. Like all things in life, there must be balance.
Thats whats life is all about, finding that balance. But finding it is not the end of the story. The story never ends. 🙂 Life is about finding, and losing, and re-finding.
Life is about learning, and unlearning, and re-learning.
Life is about living, dying, and living again.
Life is about the experience.
An eternal cycle.
I wish last night could’ve lasted forever. 🙂
That quaint feeling of peace. Of serenity. Of absolute wholeness of the soul.
I was really happy. 🙂 Too bad i was really tired too. For some reason. Heh. Was it really just the alcohol? I don’t know. Kept doing ‘straggler’ duty. XD hahha. Cycling out to get re-supply and find lost sheep. haha. Cycling to Dan’s place has it’s uses eh?
Shoes… your score on Guitar Geek is absolutely crazy. … XD
Hot butt. XDD
So many friends are leaving on their own journeys. Even those close to home. We’re all walking different paths.
But it’s not really goodbye. There never is really a goodbye as long as we live on in each other’s thoughts.
We’re growing up, without growing apart. 🙂
I report to camp on Monday. Worried. But things will work out.
However, with even that in mind, I am scared. I can’t hide that. I am really scared. Scared that i won’t do well. That i’ll fail some hidden expectation. Scared that i won’t be able to take the strain. So scared. I’ve never been so tense as i am now.
Suck it up.
The soul. Another debate thats been going on forever. What is it? What can define the soul? Interestingly, there hasn’t been an exact definition of what the soul is. Good. Suggests that the soul is beyond the limitations of a mere definition. Beyond definition, and thus, is beyond full comprehension.
I think the soul is an intangible variable in human life. It is the essence, the experience of a living being. A living mind. The relation between our body, mind and heart with that of another being. The soul is not singular. The soul is formed in between relationships. An ethereal feeling. A vague description of it might be ‘character’. A template, of sorts.
Hmph. If the soul is so vast, why the hell am i trying to comprehend it. -.- Can one comprehend an experience? Can one materialise a dream?
Hmm. We might. We have more ability at our fingertips than we understand. Ignorance is a seal upon the forehead of Man. Knowing too much, we’d probably hurt ourselves.
AND YET. Knowing too little, might result in us winding up dead.
A bleeding enigma.
I’m not depressed. Just disappointed. Disappointed that the courage i valued so highly is sorely lacking at my core. ‘Cause if i did have courage, i wouldn’t be afraid of looking her in the eyes and telling her how i feel.
Or maybe.. now isn’t the right time? I don’t know. Heh. There are just too many things i don’t know right now. But i think….
When i can take away all my expectations and blind hopes, when i can be honest with myself…
I can be honest with her.
I just realised WordPress actually keeps track of how many people view my blog on a daily basis. o.o
Unexpectedly large number. o.O
I think i need to watch what i type. o.O””
…
…
…
NAH. Like thats going to ever happen. Like it. Don’t like it. I. Don’t. Give. A. Shit. Yes. I am a slight rebel. Hoorah.
Tommorrow, jian is coming over. Lol. Yes. All the way from the east. 😀 Welcome to bishan. Haha. Going to have a movie marathon. Whoo hoo. Oh wait. Here’s something to burst my bubble. Mom wants to clean the house tommorrow. …
Why, oh why can’t you make the younger son help you. What? I don’t show a black face often enough? o.O Maybe i should. …
Or not.
Father just complained that i take up too much space in the balcony (my stuff, that is). All good. My stuff is always mobile. Just chuck into the big black duffel, and it’s ready to be moved. Man. I wonder what vocation i’ll get. -.-
To what extent can the mind go in an effort to protect itself? Hmm. The idea of protection, or a retreat from danger/source of harm.
In times of desperation, the human mind displays the most basic of instinct, albeit in an altogether complex manner.
I repeat. ‘MOST BASIC’. ‘COMPLEX MANNER’.
There we go. More paradoxes. 🙂
Evidence that makes my theory behave like a very happy boy keep appearing before me everyday.
Hoorah.
You know, i think i’m extremely weak when it comes down to sticking with personal resolutions.
No. I don’t mean New Year Resolutions.
Don’t believe in that stuff. Why stress yourself out at the beginning of a NEW YEAR? o.O
Talking ’bout other resolutions. Like… determined lines of thought. Or something.
Yes. Sitting in a car for 7 hours non-stop with nothing to do leaves room for much imagination to occur, most of which are extremely pleasant.
Pleasant, but will never come true.
So. I shall stop thinking of such thoughts. Time to let it go. If i catch myself thinking of such things again, regardless of the necessity, mucho physical punishments shall be induced.
I have to resort to nonsense posts (which probably seem crazy. Yes i know how crazy it looks from the outside) like this to keep myself in line. I can’t go wishing about stuff anymore. Since i don’t have to courage to do a DAMN thing about it, i therefore renounce the right to even imagine anything about it.
While this might all sound weird and whatnot, bear with me, whoever you are who was unluckily dumb enough to find yourself at this page.
Control is what i lack, but control is what i seek.
Hatred. The total, complete, and utter condemnation of an object’s (living or inanimate) existence.
Why is there hate? Hmmm.
No use for anything without control. No use for anything that doesn’t fit the intended purpose. These are such dehumanising thoughts, fundamentally reducing human lives and overall existence into a set of values within an eternal equation.
On another note. Shoes’ hair! 🙂 i don’t know, maybe i’m a born beng, but if she thinks the colour is lian, i think she’s wrong. it looks good on her. goes ablaze in the sun! 🙂 hahha. wish i had hair like that.
Wish i had hair.
HAHA. No. actually i don’t. Short hair the way i have it now is perfect for me.
Going off to Cameron Highlands tommorrow. Lol. Rush packing like crazy. Not unlike BMT.
Got Band of Brothers from my uncle. Whoo. haha. Awesome movie viewing for the rest of my block leave! 🙂
The future is uncertain. The past is a straight line. The present is a dot connecting both together. The linear, and the random chances. But sometimes, i wish those random chances all led to one end. =/ Wishful thinking, really. I thought i got over it. Guess there’s some remnant bits and pieces left. Heh. Deal with it i guess. Nothing but pain if i keep walking that path.
Nothing at all.
——————————————————————–
I stumble; Groping wildly
In the choking mists that encircle me.
Trying; Desperately to flee
A known terror haunting me.
A terror familiar.
A ghost of a past i remember.
Flick’ring ‘neath the stilled mere
Of my soul’s cold visage.
An impish grin; A beloved smile.
Playing on lips in dreams oft met.
A weight upon my heart it piles,
Hope; A desire to be whole is set.
Will i never be free?
Free from a love that pursues me,
Driving me forth from sanity’s door.
Striking a hammer-blow at my very core.
Her laughter; Bell-like delight.
Gentle fingers playing upon a guitar,
Strings a-humming; I take flight.
Afraid to upon this beauty’s sight to mar.
I love her so; To forget would seem cold.
I love her so; To remember would bring woe.
Oh pitable slave, Doth thou knowest the meaning of love?
The meaning of the greatest gift from above?
She cannot see me.
The Raven's Craven Haven 