Priori Disastorum.

Book-in blues. =.= urgh. It kind of wore off a little when i packed my stuff? i think. … maybe it was some… retarded little panic attack..

why am i so prone to these?! o.O

Anyway. listening to Eminem’s tracks. hmmm. man. there is so much meaning! how the hell did i miss all that 4 years ago? lol. time to catch up. heh. my old secondary 2 class actually enjoyed listening to his stuff. heh. For a while it was funny. after that it kind of got irritating. Guess we all missed the higher meaning. =/

Haha i’m so determined to learn to play Matt Wertz’s “5:19”! 🙂 next year… hahaha….. super surprise. Hope it’s… well received? 😛 HAHAHA. We’ll see. In the mean time, i’ve actually got quite a bit of time to practice it! hahaha.

Boyce Avenue’s version of What Hurts the Most is nice too! 🙂

good music. good reading. good life. 🙂

Ah… it’s.. almost 12. Few more hours left to sleep. Hmph. Going to die tommorrow like this. So little sleep. I wonder what we’re going to have to do. =/ sheesh.

Really going to miss . yes. . No. it’s not sexual.

Oh jeez.

Almighty Bitch-slap King

I crawled.
Knees digging up rain-softened dirt,
Clothing adopting the colour of the land; Mother would be appall’d.
But a blindness took me. Kept me. A need to escape the hurt.

I wondered.
With what little mind left to me by Turmoil,
How in the world did i get my behind sear’d
By a seal that lettered “Spoil’d!”.

I fear, i’ll never know.

—————————————————————-

Urgh. expectations. both having em and living up to them. hate it. …

Had an emo moment the other day. Yeah.. was really rough. Shoes was right. It waa SIGN. haha. yeah… hell. shit happens? or… do we make shit happen? ( i know we MAKE shit thats a truth. but… ho ho ho. :P)

I guess… part of my emo moment was that talk i had (long talk it was) with shoes and rod. It.. kind of let me see the sort of person i was. And i was became both scared and… disappointed.. and… angry. At myself for having become a… loser. or was i always a loser? =( i’m plagued by self-doubt right now. Wow. what a way to start ASLC on monday. Totally going to die of some freak accident or whatever.

Tonight i’ve fallen and i can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And everynight i miss you
i can just look up
and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you… tonight…

=(

So emo. i know i’ve got to get off my ass soon. so.. maybe i won’t be in this pathetic state of self-pity for too long. Yeah. counting on the instant adrenaline rush i get when i book in to.. perk me up?

Heh. what a term eh. what. a. term.

Anyway. missed joel’s surprise bday celebration at FNS cause father wanted to do room refurbishment. …

The whole day.

Literally bitch-slapped my mood luh.

ooooh… finally found a site that does online bleach episodes! 🙂 ok. mood’s back up.. 🙂

For now.

Sharp Contrast. But the pain..

I’m a very bad person. and i’ve fallen so low. i’m on my knees. Begging for some respite. something to stop all this PAIN!. help.

For now ah… i slap you. WHOOOO.

Ha. I’m blogging on Rod’s laptop. …

The buttons are SOFT…… SOFT like… soft yo. SOFT. Heh. My own keyboard at home feel like… pebbles….. Happy pebbles though.

I want to cycle far. FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR away. it’s like….. an escape (i’ve said this before.). Mmmmm. But an escape from what? hmm. From myself maybe. Or. Just… stuff. =/ Stuff. Like book-in. XD

Spent some time with jian at his place. Man. MAYBE i should move back to the East. 😛 HA. with the two of us in the same area… mayhem shall ensue la… Tara will never have a single moment’s peace. 😛 Heh. Hmm. shit something happened to the PSP. Now it can’t read the games i loaded. Urgh. Now i’ve got to go do the damn modifications on my own now. … o.o argh. hope it goes well.

Operation: Apache Bombing (where the hell did this come from?!) haha. oooooh yeah. mega BOMBING if you know what i mean (pain. A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF PAIN. )

for now. i shut up. cause…. feels weird typing. hur hur comfortable. but……………… not familiar. familiar. yet unfamiliar. uncanny. 😛

Pshaw Weasel. Pshaw.

Spent a few hours at Shawn’s place yesterday.

Please study man.

Met James after that at Thompson for a drink (and wedges! :D). Lol. Yes. The Long Island Tea at Liquid Kitchen was overpriced. o.O But ah heck. ERDINGER! Whoo.. beer tastes best in the company of friend(s). HAHAHA.

Now waiting for jian to come by. Watching Taken while waiting. :DD Heh. Good movie. Lol. I have this habit of re-watching (and re-watching and re-watching) old movies, or movies i’ve seen before. Can’t really help it. If it’s good, it’s good ya know? lol.

Looks like it’s going to rain. 🙂 this will make the ride even better! hahaa. Riding in the rain.. ah… haven’t done that in a long time. Hahaha. I miss being in the rain. =/ army training kind of stops the moment they see overly dark clouds or… it starts drizzling or something. I dunno. Maybe men in green have an inherent fear of water. XD (nah that’s not true. If not all armies would be defeated by merely dropping water from the sky via C130s or something. o.O now how pathetic would that be?)

Cycling later again. A bit addicted to it. hahaha…

I am so tempted to tap into anger and negative energy once in a while. =/ It’s always floating around, this temptation. I mean….. hell. Anyone here watched Star Wars? (except you la jian.)

It’s so… seductive. The focus of power and ability. The heightened sense of things. All of a sudden, your surroundings, your environment and the people in it… become so… malleable. So… fragile. So… destructible. And when i get angry, i can see a lot more than usual. It’s like……… emotions become visible. Intentions become clear and transparent. And i can see what makes you break. Be it word or action. All i need to do is put the required amount of energy or effort into making it a reality.

Control.

Control’s the word.

And i know the truth of the matter concerning the side effects.

urgh..

But still. tempting. =/

Such a depressing topic!

Yes it is.

sometimes, i have random conversations with myself. No… i don’t think it’s wrong. No. neither do i think it abnormal to talk to yourself. It’s a perfectly NORMAL and common hobby. Or… activity. Whatever you might want to call it.

ME 1: you’re just being stupid la. Acting clever.

ME 2: piss off eh. it’s my post. or… yours. ours? …

ME 1: psh. retard.

ME 2: …

cough.

right. Notice. Haven’t been a post about… well.. her.. in a while. No. I’m not going to start. I think the memories of her have graduated to being a totally private thing. I also think i’ve come to an understanding of the situation and have found a sense of balance i can, possibly live with for now, if not, then for the rest of my short life.

…

yes. That’s what it’s about.

…

yepp. thats the way to go.

…

Ahhhhh who the fuck am i kidding.

I’m a wreck. … but i’m not an EMO wreck. 😀

Ah… the silver lining… is… tinted with… the sprouts of alien carrots?!

An invasion is on it’s way.

Right. so fifa 09 doesn’t seem to be working on my psp. Trying to get another game. Lol. Rockband is good… really good.. problem. Headache. BAD ASS headache.

I need.. a mental and emotional respite. hmmm..

Chicken McNuggets

Just had a good ride around the Thompson-Sembawang area. =) haha. Going to do another one tommorrow. Probably going to follow Upper Thompson Road up to Mandai. Hmm. Maybe i’m going to visit the zoo. =) Something long overdue. Hahaha…

Watching The Big Lebowski on HBO. Heh. Funny-ass show! Ideas of the bums linger in the minds of the rich. XD Heh.

“What makes a man, Mr Lebowski?”

“My name’s Dude, dude.”

Smart show. Smart show of supposedly not-so-smart people. Hmm. But the bums in this show.. no more of life then the rich! So… yeah. Shows how things work.

I wish they wouldn’t censor the damn show. Jeez. Language has a purpose to serve in the portrayal of the overall idea. No matter how god-damned rough it might sound. =.=

Want to play frisbee.

Ah. gonna go over to shawn’s place to let him bitch about stuff.

Man i’m bored. Going to cycle far tommorrow… all the way. =)

=) Ever Had A Smiliey For A Title?

HAHA. One of the… (modules? Subjects? topics? o.O i dunno what to call it! Never mind! whatever you want :P) Shoes is taking sounds damn cool. Forensic Psychology. Hohohohohohoho.

Touched the right nerve, those two words did. 🙂

Imagine delving into the darker portions of the human mind via studying the psychic rhythms of criminals.

JIAN! CAN YOU FEEL IT?!

HAHA. So cool…. =/ man.. higher education rocks. Everyone’s doing something cool and all… hais. gets me really jealous everytime i hear about it. I mean, i feel happy for all these LUCKY PEOPLE and all but… yeah. Still can’t help turning green. =/ So… all you dudez and gals with a nice spot in some school getting intellectual and all, TREASURE IT! 🙂

Ah well. With luck, my time will come huh. 🙂 Till then! I’m going to try and work towards earning my three stripes! And i’ll try proving my old section mates that i’m not useless. Kind of sucks to know people see you as such. But ah heck. motivation of a different sort.

Watching ‘Red Planet’ now. Heh. Classic sci fi. 😛

Hmmm. Just realized how… almost every experience in life is a trigger for a poetic response. Or… the experiences in life… are the key source for.. aesthetic… expression. 🙂

Yupp. It’s like.. how the darkness of our soul becomes the light of our minds. Or how… the seemingly cruel fragility of our bodies is the mirrored vitality of the soul. Of course, there are plenty of in between explanations for these linkages, but i’m just skipping it all. Even though it makes things… kind of insubstantial. Heh.

I seem to reject sleep. =| lol. wonder why.

Heh. Surf’s Up is a good show too. 🙂 love the way it’s presented. From the eyes of the camera man. Heh. Awesome… LOL. It’s actually quite amazing, really. The CGI is really.. THE BOMB. Lol. wonder what the show would look like on a HD tv. hmmm…. OUTSTANDING i’ll bet. 😛

Ah well. Life’s good. Somedays. =/

WOOT

The Force Unleashed. 😀 HAHAHA. Damn nice game honestly. Hais. Looking forward to the Sith Edition! 😀

Woot. Damn cool shit. Kind of addicted to SWTFU on PSP now. HAHA. Been playing non-stop since last night…

lol. Want to watch GI JOE. Anyone with reviews on that movie? Being short of cash, i frequently depend upon the recommendation of movies from friends instead of randomly watching stuff. Lol.

Still kind of weaving the plot of that poem i mentioned a while ago, “The Girl In White”. Jian asked me about it last night. … hmmm. Still haven’t sorted out quite a number of things in the composition. Somehow… the rhythm i have in mind isn’t right. Doesn’t flow the way i want it to. Vocabulary and choice of words is flawed as well, doesn’t convey the idea i intend to… well, convey. And i still haven’t decided the length i want yet. Heh. Yeah. This is how long it takes me to write poetry nowadays. Don’t really know where this habit of.. ‘planning’ came from. I mean, not to say it’s irritating or something. But it does increase the timespan for me to birth a few lines.

Going to go for a long cycle later. In the middle of the week when i feel my legs are strong enough again, i’ll start running. Somehow… These two activities give me some release. Some.. peace. When i just really need to get away from stuff, this is what i’ll do. =/ Wish i didn’t fold so easily though. But wishes are just what they are. Wishes. And dreams are exactly what they are, dreams. I pray for the stregth of mind to bend these two things into a reality.

But of course… some men just want to watch the world… burn. :PP HOHO.

What In Hell’s Fury?

I’m such a pretender. What will it take for me to just.. be me?

Which brings me to my latest meal for the mind. Identity. Did a lot of work on this idea in school whilst studying The Handmaid’s Tale. Established that the identity can be split into the individual and social variants. Within the social class of identity, there are 2 more seperate categories; the major and minor. The same would go for the individual identity, with 2 seperate categories labelled conscious and subconscious.

What is the value of having an identity? Surely, for it to exist, it must have some VALUE? No. Wait. Fix that. Surely, for us to acknowledge it, it MUST have SOME VALUE?

Better.

So. Whats the value. Perhaps as a categorization system within society? Some abstracted form of the outdated class and ranking system in the older civilisations.

Or… i think… identity is definition in itself and is immune to having a value imposed. But if having a definition means having a limit, shouldn’t there be a value?

Maybe.

——————————————————————————————–

See how these words strike a boy;
Lean of body and soul.
See how each blow crumples him like a toy.
A bet, gentlemen? On when the dear child folds.

See the indentation of each and every strike.
Well-served and professionally delivered.
See the new lines etched into his youthful visage,
Like a book being creased by past eyes that have peer’d.

The years fly swifter than the dagger-like language.
Burning Time’s watch into yester-year.
Burning; The boy-man’s throat; How to unquench
The thirst that threatens to devour more than the Fear?

He grows like a twisted tree. Hollow
With a hole on the inside.
No sight of Love to follow.
Only Fear’s disgusting hide.

A wasted growth which no man could use.
A pittance of a pittance might purchase him.
Per’aps a buyer might take him; Fuse
Him with the flames that flow over Dante’s brim.

More years brand him.
Till the hollow-ness inside sees the sunlight.
A setting sun, burning at the world’s rim.
A tribute to troubled youth’s flight from plight,

Into the bankruptcy of nothingness.

With Not Really Much To Say…

HAHAHA! Yes shoes… 😛 Heh. YOU’RE MY GBF. WHOO. I need GBF part 2… hoho.. soon soon.

Been posted to ASLC. Can’t say i’m particularly glad or anything. I’m not saying i’m disappointed or sad about being posted there either. Yepp. Just going to do what i can to get by. If i can hold on, i can graduate from ASLC with my 3 stripes and the pride of knowing that i did it on my own steam.

Watching Enemy At The Gates. Snipers are one of the most psychologically affected units in a war. The tactical appointment which sets alight the instinct of a primal hunt well-buried ‘neath the human psyche. Shouldn’t be too bad. Humans have been hunting all sorts of animals for food, clothing, leisure, since the Stone Age.

Yeah. Shouldn’t be TOO bad. Only problem is… what about hunting humans?

Now how do we differentiate the human from the animal?

I read Dune by Frank Herbert. Took me a while to digest it. Can’t really remember now the exact age i actually started trying to do so. But after a while, the book became less of a story and more of a… consolidation of ideas. Really. Each character, plot, and plot within a plot is literally (and i mean literally) alight with a burning idea. One of the first ideas presented to the reader in Dune is the difference between a human and an animal.

Human. A mere species? Or are we something more?

Head hurts.

I miss you.

I need your help.